The Nonsensical World of Harry Potter
by twf414gf
Summary: If boggarts are defeated by laughter, then there definitely aren't any boggarts anywhere around here for miles.  A parody of the Harry Potter books and movies.


**Apologies to J. K. Rowling; I don't own the rights to Harry Potter. This is a parody and is not for profit. This is intended to poke good-hearted fun at the Harry Potter books and movies (don't worry, I'm a Harry Potter fan too :)**

**Warning: this story mentions characters from some of the later books (books 5 and on). However, it contains few (if any) plot spoilers, since it's basically just humor for humor's sake. But I'd still recommend reading the first 5 or so books before reading this story.**

**So now, the moment you've all been waiting for: the Harry Potter parody!**

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><p>One day, Harry and Luna Lovegood were looking out the window at the sunset.<p>

"Beautiful sunset, isn't it, Harry?" Luna asked, in her usual dreamy voice.

"Yeah."

"Wait—do you hear that?"

"Hear what?"

"Off in the distance—it sounds like…unicorns."

"I don't hear anything, and besides, everybody knows unicorns don't exist, not even in the wizard world."

"But…they're calling our names, Harry! They want us to come with them on a magical adventure."

"C'mon, did you have too much butterbeer to drink? There are no unicorns!"

"Yes there are! They're…calling my name. They want to take me to Candy Mountain, a land of gumdrops and lollipops and lots of candy, and even dancing letters to greet me!"

Harry waved his hand over Luna's face a couple times, but she continued to stare off into the distance. She then put her hands straight out in front of her and started walking like a sleepwalker.

"Must…follow…the…unicorns…"

She then started walking slowly out the door.

_I think Loony Lovegood's gotten a little _too _loony now_, Harry thought to himself.

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><p>Later on that day, Crabbe and Goyle came into the Slytherin common room to find Malfoy rapping.<p>

"...you can't handle my lyrics 'cuz they is too fly, ya wanna take me down? I'd like to see you try!"

When Draco noticed them come in, he gave a hearty "Whaddup, homies?"

"Draco, what the devil are you doing?" Crabbe was bewildered.

"Practicin' my rapping skills! I wanna roll like Snoop Dogg, yo!"

Crabbe and Goyle both rolled their eyes.

"Aw, come on, I'm not _that_ bad! And besides, my songs definitely can't be anywhere near as bad as this!" Malfoy then turned the wizard radio on to a very lame song.

"What in the world is this?" asked Goyle.

"Rebecca Black's brand-new hit single, 'Saturday!'"

"Rebecca Black? NOOOOOOO!"

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><p>That evening, Voldemort was about to convene a meeting of the Death Eaters. When he took a seat, however, he ended up sitting on a whoopee cushion. Everybody broke out in laughter.<p>

"Gotcha, mate!" said Peter Pettigrew.

"_You_ did this?" Voldemort seethed.

"Yep, I'm trying to be the next Fred and George Weasley! Who says Death Eaters can't have fun too?"

"You know I don't take kindly to pathetic Muggle pranks like that, Pettigrew!"

"Aw, come on, Voldy, have a sense of humor!"

"I have no sense of humor. I hate humor. That's why I'm…EVIL! Mwahahaha! Now it's time for you to die. _Avada Kedavra!_"

"_Riddikulus!_" Pettigrew fired back.

The two spells met and released a massive amount of light and energy, but for some strange reason that only the Creator knows, Pettigrew's spell was able to overcome his dark master's curse, and the next thing you knew, Voldemort was wearing a clown suit.

"I guess it's just one of those days," he sighed, shaking his head in resignation. He then left the room to change.

Lucius Malfoy looked confused. "I thought that spell only worked on boggarts," he said to Pettigrew.

"Voldemort's so ugly, he practically _is_ a boggart."

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><p>The next day, Harry, Ron, and Hermione were walking through the corridor at Hogwarts when they got surrounded by Voldemort and his fellow Death Eaters.<p>

"This is the end for you, Harry Potter," said Voldemort, "and for your friends, too!"

Bellatrix Lestrange then put on a stereotypical witches' hat and started chanting witch rhymes.

"Double, double toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble! Eye of newt, and toe of frog, wool of bat, and tongue of dog! Ants of hill and bees of hive, Harry will not escape alive! Eee hee hee hee hee hee!" she cackled, as a thunderbolt flashed outside.

"Now, Draco, here's your chance to finish off your old enemies once and for all!" said Voldemort. But instead of carrying out his orders, Draco started rapping again.

"Naw, I'm not a hater, dawg, I'm Draco-Zee, I gotta stand up for my bro Harry P.!"

Everybody looked at each other in confusion, but especially Harry, Ron, and Hermione.

"Since when is Malfoy ever on your side?" asked Ron. Harry shrugged.

"You see, Harry here's just misunderstood, he's got a soul full of love and a heart of good!" Malfoy continued.

"Stop this nonsense and kill him!" shouted Voldemort. But just then, Harry and Voldemort both got hit by a "_Belchicus duplicus!_" spell and started burping uncontrollably.

"Nice one, Wormtail!" Fred and George Weasley high-fived Peter Pettigrew.

Once the burps had worn off, Voldemort looked angrily at Draco and Peter. "Malfoy, Pettigrew, I'll deal with your treachery later, but for now, I have to kill Harry Potter! _Avera Cadabra!_" He mispronounced the killing curse so badly that instead of killing Harry, he made a rabbit appear out of a hat.

"Oh please, even Muggles can do that," said Ron.

Just then, Dobby ran up to Harry and his friends.

"Dobby heard Harry Potter was in danger, so Dobby thought he would come and save him! Dobby sounds like Elmo because he never uses first person."

"Thanks for coming to help, Dobby, but we're kind of outnumbered here, so I don't know what you can do to help," Harry responded.

"The flood spell! Don't forget about the flood spell, Harry!"

"Oh yeah, good idea. _Diluvium maximum!_"

A large stream of water then gushed down onto the Death Eaters and began flooding the area where they were standing. At first, they weren't scared and still wanted to fight on, but by the time the water reached their chests, they realized it wasn't worth it anymore, and they all ran away as fast as they could—well, all except for one, that is.

"I'M MELTING!" shouted Bellatrix, as her body began to dissolve into the water.

"Way to go, Harry! You saved us!" said Hermione.

"Thanks, but I couldn't have done it without help from my little house elf friend, Dobby, and if Voldemort wasn't inept at casting spells. Now, who wants to go get some pizza?"

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><p>Draco Malfoy ended up becoming a professional rapper and was a big hit among wizards and Muggles alike. He even managed to get permission from the Ministry of Magic to use magic as special effects at his shows. He also hired Crabbe and Goyle as beat-boxers to keep a beat going during his gigs. But nobody was a bigger fan of Draco than Harry himself. He went to all the concerts and even bought a "Draco's #1" foam hand.<p>

Peter Pettigrew ended up getting a job at the Weasleys' joke shop. He started a new line of products specifically for Death Eaters, which became popular quickly. Fred and George were happy they had found a new market for their products. "Today Death Eaters, tomorrow Muggles!" Fred said.

And nobody knows for sure what happened to Luna Lovegood. There are rumors that she was recently seen in the Forbidden Forest putting a banana in her ear, but then again, that story came from Peeves, who isn't exactly the most trustworthy source of information.

So needless to say, everybody lived happily ever after. Because that's what always happens to the good guys in stories, right?

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><p><span>Notes:<span>

-The parts of the story with Luna Lovegood contain a couple references to the "Charlie the Unicorn" videos. The part at the beginning where she talks about unicorns taking her to Candy Mountain and meeting dancing letters, is a reference to the first episode of Charlie the Unicorn, while the part at the end where she's seen putting a banana in her ear is an allusion to the second episode.

-Draco Malfoy becoming a rapper is intended to poke fun at how Tom Felton, Draco's actor from the Harry Potter movies, is planning on starting a career as a rapper after now having finished all the movies.

-The lines "Double, double toil and trouble…" and "Eye of newt…" are borrowed from Shakespeare's play _Macbeth_. However, the last line ("Ants of hill…") is one I made up myself. (And I'll leave it to you to guess where the "I'm melting!" line is from…)

-In the spell _"Diluvium maximum_," "diluvium" is the Latin word for "flood."

**Review this story and let me know what you thought of it!**

**EDIT (12/7/2013): **It appears Rebecca Black has actually released a song called "Saturday", it's up on Youtube, and it looks like it's brand-new. When I wrote this story over 2 years ago, "Friday" was still relatively new then, and I only put in the joke about the "Saturday" song to make fun of "Friday". But now that it's a real song, I almost feel like a prophet :)


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